When I started this blog I committed to a couple of things. One was to point to my foundation – the Lord. Another was not to hide difficult days – the days when I’m sad, perplexed, disappointed or angry. There is no sense in hiding those feelings. I am human, broken and generally a mess. If this blog is going to be authentic and real, it has to have the hard moments as well as the good. Tonight’s blog is definitely one that begins on a low note.
Today I went for an appointment to find out my brain MRI results. I felt calm, at ease and confident that no matter the results, good or bad, I would be fine. My tear-stained face tonight proves I was wrong. The doctors were looking for a chronic CFS leak. If found, it would have been the answer to many of my problems and certainly given me hope for relief. Today, I was told they found no evidence of a leak. That means no answers and the horrible daily side effects of the epi overdose are here to stay.
At first I felt rather calm, but then as the evening progressed I have felt a rather indignant anger rise up in me. I’ve spent a great deal of time crying in my room asking the Lord if he really intends for me to spend the rest of my life isolated from friends and family? I have pled with Him for relief. Begged for answers. I have questioned His love for me and even told Him it would have been better if I had died in February instead of him allowing me to enduring day after day of isolation and constant pain — potentially for the rest of my life. I’d love to tell you at this point angels showed up at my bedroom door and relief came. Instead, there has been no answer – just silence. What in the world do we do with such deafening silence? I suppose the answer is wait…wait on the Lord.
This I know is true. I love life and love living it to the full. I love watching my kids grow and being part of their lives. I love going on rollercoasters, jumping on trampolines, dancing to music and belting out my favorite songs that play on the radio. I love going to the mall with Faith and seeing the new styles she has picked out and watching her perform in her forensic competitions. I love going to church and worshiping. I love hugging my friends and hearing how they are doing. I love listening to a pastor teach passionately. I love hearing Faith play her clarinet and James his violin. I love, love, love Phillip’s voice. I love talking to my friends on the phone and the rustling of leaves in the trees. I love driving up into the mountains and running down the hills with my kids. I love working with children with disabilities and seeing that magical moment when they grasp a new concept or reach a goal. OH YES, I LOVE LIVING LIFE.
I love going to Sky Sox baseball games and cheering for the Avalanche by screaming at the top of my lungs when they score. I love laughing with Phillip, watching reruns of Seinfeld and the old 70’s – 80’s Saturday Night Live shows. I love going out to eat and playing cards at our best friends home while our girls run up and down the stairs giggling. I love watching The Thorn production every Easter and hearing the joy of Faith and James every Christmas as they open just the perfect gift.
Oh yes, I love living life to the full. Life in its abundance is joy unleashed. It abounds and dances bringing laughter and endless giggles that make the soul soar. Yet knowing this, God has found it good to reign me in. He has allowed laughs to be physically painful, going out nearly impossible and taken the joy of being goofy and funny with Phillip and the kids away. He has allowed me to become a prisoner in my own home without much hope of relief. He has allowed me to walk the road of hope deferred and taught me to trust him in the midst of that pain. He, has allowed my joy to turn to sorrow and in doing so has taught me many, many good things. Still, on days like today, it seems sorrow will overwhelm and consume me. The pain is so deep that no person can even begin to touch it. If not for one basic thing, the deep heart knowledge that He has plans for me that are good, precious and full of hope, I would curl up and never get up again.
However, in spite of my feelings, there is a miracle happening right now as I type. No, my body isn’t healed. A doctor hasn’t called. Angels haven’t opened my door and brought a message from Heaven. The miracle is hope beginning to bloom and grow inside of me. The King of King is drawing close and weeping with me over all I have lost. He is slowly reminding me of his tender love and everlasting mercy. He is meeting me in my heartbroken state, asking me to trust him, and moment by moment giving me the grace to do just that.
Even now, so many verses come to mind about waiting on God.
Psalm 25:5Lead me in Your truth and teach me, For You are the God of my salvation; For You I wait all the day.
Psalm 27:14Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD.
Psalm 37:7Rest in the LORD and wait patiently for Him;
Psalm 39:7“And now, Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in You.
Psalm 62:5My soul, wait in silence for God only, For my hope is from Him
Psalm 119:114You are my hiding place and my shield; I wait for Your word.
Psalm 130:5I wait for the LORD, my soul does wait, And in His word do I hope.
Psalm 147:11The LORD favors those who fear Him, Those who wait for His loving-kindness.
Isaiah 40:31Yet those who wait for the LORD Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary.
Lam 3:25The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, To the person who seeks Him.
Mic 7:7But as for me, I will watch expectantly for the LORD; I will wait for the God of my salvation. My God will hear me.
Waiting on God can be so hard, painful and full of mysteries and yet at the same time it can be the most peaceful place to be. So where does this leave me tonight? My heart is broken and my dreams dashed. The hope of quickly returning to a life that is pain-free is almost completely gone. More and more doors are being closed. The fun of yesterday seems like a distant dream, a blur, a life past. Yet, I know there are plans for me that will bring joy again. I know God in Heaven created me for a purpose and plan that is filled with hope. Whether that plan includes running down mountain sides or patiently waiting at home I believe He is painting the most lovely landscape in all of our lives. A landscape full of deep emerald greens, sapphire blues, golden yellows, burnt oranges and reds that will dazzle and delight our souls in ways we could never imagine.
What we must do, is first trust Him and then no matter the circumstance wait on Him. As we do, our lives will be filled with the living colors of Him and we will never be the same again.
May we all learn to wait on Him — and may I learn to let go of, “what was” so I can embrace all that is yet to come. For now, I wait — and trust — and hope — finding strength in Him and all His promises. Really, there is no better place to be.
PS: I think this song says what I am trying to say really well. Take moment to check it out.