Today I resigned from my job. I knew it was coming – I know I am not ready to return to work. How couldn’t I know — every doctor I work with these days has taken the time to tell me that. I thought I was ready to just get it over with — that is until I had to do it and then I found myself blubbering like a baby.
There are times that life hurts so much no one can comfort — no one can help. It is God and God alone that can come to my side and let me know it will be OK. Today is one of those days.
Today I remember my first day working for Academy School District 20. I was so excited. I loved it! I was so proud. I felt as though I was contributing to something special. I remember my first day at Challenger Middle School. I was so nervous. It was so different from preschool. Some of the kids were taller than me. Yikes! Oh, but how I loved it. Driving with Faith to school everyday – seeing her at lunch – problem solving complex issues with the kiddos I loved – occasionally chasing my most challenging student down the hall as she said, “Ms. Nancy, I wish you would!” (I’m not telling what she meant — but I know!!) I remember another student looking at my sweater on ugly sweater day exclaiming, “How do you expect me to work when you’re wearing that???” I remember yet another student looking me in the eyes after he threw his coat on the floor for maybe the 100th time and then saying, “ok” as he picked it up and finally carried it down the hall to the bus. Small victories delighted my heart. I think of the dear friends I made – the people I admire so much. I’ve missed them everyday since last February – their smiles, jokes, support and love. A hole so big grows in my heart.
I am sad. I am so sad. I am so incredibly sad. I would not write the story of my life this way. I pictured it so differently. Tears flow, my heart aches, I am so sad.
Yet, I can’t help but remember the words…
“This is the day the Lord has made; I will rejoice and be glad in it.”( Psalm 118:24)
Yes, I know choosing to trust God is where the peace will come. I know choosing to forgive is where the hope will come. I know finding the strength to praise is where the peace will come.
So today I hurt so bad I feel as though it might consume me. I hate this – I hate it more than I can even express. I’d like to scream at someone — but instead I will turn my eyes and heart towards heaven and say,
Though the story of my life is so different than I ever dreamed.
and the pain of the day feels as though it will consume me,
I will trust my friend, my father, my God and my King.
You have faithfully led me through many fires and through many waters
and kept your promise — I have never been burned or swept away.
I know, you will be faithful in this too – I know you are worthy of my abounding
thankfulness and enduring praise.
This IS the day that the Lord has made and I WILL rejoice and be glad in it.