I haven’t blogged for over a month. That’s crazy for me. Life has been a little overwhelming, to say the least, and sitting down to pour my heart our has seemed utterly impossible until today. My son — my beautiful, amazing, complex, challenging and the very joy of my heart son — is anorexic. He’s starving himself right in front of me. For many months now, we thought he had a medical condition. As the pounds fell off we went from doctor to doctor searching for answers. 30 pounds and counting: He is now six foot 1 and weighs 115 pounds. JUST 115 pounds.
As test after test came back normal, my mother’s intuition grew increasingly stronger. That nagging feeling that it wasn’t — it isn’t — something physical at all. That horrible knowing that builds and builds and builds until you can’t look away any more. He isn’t physically sick at all. My baby is hurting — deeply. So profoundly that he is grasping for control anyway he can find it. And, for reasons I can’t understand, he found that control in food. And now, he is wasting away in front of me. I feel helpless. I feel afraid. My heart is crushed and utterly broken-hearted.
Tears come so easily for me. Even as I type they roll gently down my cheeks. Though I dab them with my tissue, the flow doesn’t stop. They just keep coming. Waves of unspeakable grief overwhelm me at the strangest times too. During my CPR class last night, tears began to flow again. The overwhelming worry not only for James’ emotional health but also his actual life rolled through my soul and I couldn’t contain it any longer.
My sweet James has lived a life of hoped deferred. He’s dreamed of many friends, only to be rejected. He’s dreamed of leading boy scout troops, only to be over looked. He’s dreamed of being picked to moderate his favorite online game, only to be skipped over. He’s dreamed of a life filled with joy only to live a life filled with the ups and downs of bipolar disorder. No wonder he is seeking control.
In the dark world of my Son starving himself, this is what I know is still true…
So, today fragile, sad and very much crushed in spirit I go forward trusting God will carry James and the rest of us through these very difficult days. We have a very long road ahead. A very, very long road. I have no illusions of instant fixes…but because God is with us…I do have hope for James to be strengthened and for him to ultimately overcome this very difficult affliction.
With the help of great doctors, wise counselors and a lot of love we will persevere as a family. By God’s grace we will grow together and not apart. Through God’s mercy we will find joy and laughter again even in the midst of this storm.
James is my beautiful, amazing, complex and sometimes challenging son. I love him just as he is. I will not let his intellectual challenges, autism, bipolar disorder and yes even his anorexia struggles define him. They are just part of his journey. He is a beautiful soul full of compassion and love. I am so utterly proud to be his Mom.
Pressing on — My love always,